Janeane Garofalo has been married for 20 years and didn't know it.
That has to be some sort of record.
The actress-comedian recently discovered that she and Rob Cohen, a "Big Bang Theory" producer, were legally hitched for the past two decades.
"Rob and I got married, for real, which we had to have a notary dissolve not 30 minutes before we got here tonight," Garofalo said at the New York Comedy Festival reunion for "The Ben Stiller Show," according to the New York Post. "We were married for 20 years until this evening."
Garofalo and Cohen "got married drunk in Vegas ...we dated for a year, and we got married at a drive-through chapel in a cab."
"(We thought) you have to go down to the courthouse and sign papers and stuff, so who knew?" she said. "We were married, and apparently now that (Rob) is getting married for real, his lawyer dug up something."
Cohen is now engaged to Jill Leiderman, a producer on "Jimmy Kimmel Live".
ARIEL WINTER SAGA CONTINUES: The Ariel Winter saga has more drama than any soap opera. The most recent developments are almost too much to keep up with. Here goes:
Ariel's mother said the 14-year-old actress attacked her when she confronted her about her relationship with 18-year-old Cameron Palatas. She claims she caught two in bed together. But friends of Ariel say the romance, which is now over, never got intimate. Sources from Ariel's show "Modern Family" said Ariel's mom, Chrystal Workman, was a "terror" on the set and they had to sneak Ariel food because her mother wouldn't let her eat.
The lawyer for Ariel's 34-year-old sister Shanell Gray, who has had temporary custody of Ariel since Oct. 3, said Workman actually attacked Ariel. And TMZ reported Tuesday that Gray told the judge last month that her mother physically abused her. Her mother denied it, and said Gray actually ran away with a gang member and she found her in a crack house.
Whew. That all came out in one day. When they get to the clones, Bigfoot and space aliens, we'll let you know.
TMZ cited a source from "Modern Family," who has been in "constant contact" with Ariel for more than a year, saying producers wanted Workman banned from the set for making Ariel's life hell. She allegedly berated her for her physical appearance, saying her ears were too big and she looked ugly in her clothes. She also blocked Ariel from eating anything but egg whites and raw veggies. The crew supposedly hatched a plan to sneak the teen food when her mother wasn't looking.
She also supposedly complained loudly about Ariel's salary, saying her daughter needed more to pay for their house, her agents, managers, and publicists.
Right. The kid was the one who needed all that money.
According to a transcript from last month's hearing, TMZ reported Gray's lawyer said "The child (Ariel) is, apparently, struck repeatedly, slapped, hit, pushed, not so as to leave marks. Mother is smart enough not to do that."
Workman countered by saying "She is an actress so I'm sure she can cry at the drop of a hat." The lawyer also said Workman "sexualizes the child," and showed the judge a picture of Ariel "dressed up to show off her breasts and otherwise."
JUSTIN BIEBER AND SELENA GOMEZ TRY TO IRON OUT THEIR ISSUES: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez met Sunday night at a hotel in New York City, but did not get back together, according to TMZ.
Sigh (sad face).
Sources connected with the former couple said they met to talk about the conflict that caused them to break up, which are supposedly Bieber tweeting photos of him with supermodels, scheduling conflicts, and Bieber tweeting photos of him with supermodels.
Allegedly nothing was resolved.
Another sigh (more sad face).
TMZ said sources have told the site Bieber is conflicted about getting back together with Gomez. He still likes her, but he also likes the idea of messing around, and he's saying the supermodels he's been hanging out with are tempting.
I hate famous 18-year-olds.
FINALLY, THEY APPEAR TOGETHER: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart appeared on the red carpet together Monday night at the Hollywood premiere of the final "Twilight" film "Breaking Dawn Part 2."
Finally. OMG and :) and LOL and whatnot.
I think other people were there too. But everyone was all about seeing Stewart and Pattinson all dressed up and looking pretty at a "Twilight" premiere again, after last summer's ugly scandal involving Stewart cheating on real-life boyfriend Pattinson with her "Snow White and the Huntsman" director Rupert Sanders, who's, like, totally old and gross and stuff.
The pair greeted fans, signed autographs, and clearly were into each other, as per page seven, section five, paragraph two of their contracts state they have to be. Stewart even went as far as to affectionately (no, really) run Pattinson's back as photographers snapped pictures.
And because fashion is so important to all of us, know that 22-year-old Stewart wore a nude lace and chiffon strapless corset gown by Zuhair Murad, with her hair swept to one side in curls. Pattinson, 26, had a fresh haircut and a lovely forest green suit.
Unlike prior "Twilight" tours, the couple has promoted the new film separately, appearing on the "Today Show" and late night programs days apart. They've been vague about whether they're back together, which we all know they are (duh), because they're totally, like, made for each other, LOL, smiley face.
KATY PERRY TAMING JOHN MAYER: Not only are Katy Perry and John Mayer somehow miraculously still together, but some are speculating that Perry has become the one woman who has finally tamed Mayer.
Well, at least we're speculating ... .
The New York Post asked if Katy Perry has "tamed (the) infamous ladies' man," because he seems to be ignoring other women.
Apparently, after performing at a benefit concert in Manhattan on Thursday, Mayer hit a restaurant packed with women with some pals.
"John was at a table with friends at Cafe Luxembourg after the show, and a line of girls kept coming up to him," says an eyewitness. "He was clearly not available. It seemed like the opposite of the way he's been in the past, like he's really settled down."
At one point, added the source, he was approached by a "particularly stunning fan," but when he couldn't tear his eyes from his phone, she asked, "Are you talking to Katy?" before slinking away.
Maybe he was just playing Angry Birds.
Mayer and Perry, who began their up-and-down relationship last summer, reportedly rendezvoused Sunday in Malibu, a date about which the London Sun relays a funny little story.
According to the tabloid, the pair was at The Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills when Perry's ex-husband, Russell Brand, strolled in.
"As soon as Katy saw Russell, she hid under the table," said a source. "When he was directed to one far away, she emerged. John threw some money on the table, and they headed to the back door and their waiting car."
Does Russell Brand smell bad or something?
Brand supposedly remained oblivious, says the spy, "but everyone in the restaurant saw what happened."
Uh-huh. Of course they did.
NOVEMBER 14 IN HISTORY
Wednesday is Nov. 14, the 319th day of 2012. There are 47 days left in the year.
1851: Herman Melville's novel "Moby-Dick; Or, The Whale" was first published in the United States.
1862: During the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln gave the go-ahead for Maj. Gen. Ambrose Burnside's plan to capture the Confederate capital of Richmond; the resulting Battle of Fredericksburg proved a disaster for the Union.
1881: Charles J. Guiteau went on trial for assassinating President James A. Garfield. (Guiteau was convicted and hanged the following year.)
1889: Onspired by Jules Verne, New York World reporter Nellie Bly (Elizabeth Cochrane) set out to travel around the world in less than 80 days. (She made the trip in 72 days.) Jawarharlal Nehru, the first prime minister of independent India, was born.
1910: Eugene B. Ely became the first aviator to take off from a ship as his Curtiss pusher rolled off a sloping platform on the deck of the scout cruiser USS Birmingham off Hampton Roads, Va.
1922: The British Broadcasting Co. began its domestic radio service.
1940: During World War II, German planes destroyed most of the English town of Coventry.
1944: Tommy Dorsey and his orchestra recorded "Opus No. 1" for RCA Victor.
1969: Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.
1970: A chartered Southern Airways DC-9 crashed while trying to land in Huntington, W.Va., killing all 75 people on board, including the Marshall University football team and its coaching staff.
1972: The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed above the 1,000 level for the first time, ending the day at 1,003.16.
1986: The Securities and Exchange Commission imposed a $100 million penalty against inside-trader Ivan F. Boesky and barred him from working again in the securities industry.
1997: A jury in Fairfax, Va., decided that Pakistani national Aimal Khan Kasi should get the death penalty for gunning down two CIA employees outside agency headquarters.
2002: Aimal Khan Kasi was executed by injection at a prison in Jarratt, Va., for the slayings of two CIA employees in 1993. Pope John Paul II made a historic speech to Italy's parliament, urging Italians to work for world peace, uphold their Christian values and have more babies.
2007: Michael Mukasey took a ceremonial oath as the new U.S. Attorney General, five days after he was privately sworn in. A justice of the peace ordered O.J. Simpson to stand trial on kidnapping and armed robbery charges stemming from a confrontation with memorabilia dealers in a Las Vegas casino hotel room. (Simpson and a co-defendant were convicted in Oct. 2008.) The prime ministers of North and South Korea launched their first talks in 15 years.
2011: Former Penn State football assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, in an interview with NBC News' "Rock Center," denied allegations he'd sexually abused eight boys and said any activities in a campus shower with a boy were just horseplay. A Russian spacecraft carrying NASA astronaut Dan Burbank and two Russians blasted off from the snow-covered Kazakh steppes, headed for the International Space Station.
Former U.N. Secretary-General Boutros Boutros-Ghali (90), former MLB All-Star Jimmy Piersall (83), former NASA astronaut Fred Haise (79), jazz musician Ellis Marsalis (78), writer P.J. O'Rourke (65), zydeco singer-musician Buckwheat Zydeco (65), Britain's Prince Charles (64), rock musician James Young (Styx) (63), singer Stephen Bishop (61), pianist Yanni (58), former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (58), presidential adviser Valerie Jarrett (56), actress Laura San Giacomo (51), actor D.B. Sweeney (51), rapper Reverend Run (Run-DMC) (48), actor Josh Duhamel (40), rock musician Travis Barker (37), actor Brian Dietzen (TV: "NCIS") (35), rock musician Tobin Esperance (Papa Roach) (33).