Advice archives

DEAR AMY: I was dating this guy for about a month. We deleted our dating profiles together, and our relationship blossomed.

He asked me if I would move in with him next year when his job sends him to a new location. The sparks were amazing: great chemistry, intelligent conversations.

Then he says, "We need to talk." It turns out he's married. His wife told him she was gay, and he assured me that he would never take her back. The only problem was that in that state, they require a year for a divorce to be finalized.

The ex-wife filed for divorce in July, so I told him "OK, we can do this, right?" He's like, "Yeah, you mean so much to me." I agreed to stay with him.

Later, he said he needed to get his head together and was not fit to date me -- or anyone. He said he wanted no contact with me until the divorce is finalized.

Then I got a text saying he is returning to his home state next week because his mother is suicidal.

I think he's going back to his wife. I never lied to him or betrayed him the way she did. It's not fair. He won't answer my calls, and I'm beside myself.

I appreciate your common sense.

Devastated

DEAR DEVASTATED: Here's what I make of this: He's a liar -- and you're a mark. I have a feeling he has met other women the same way he met you, and he is stringing along more than one woman.


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Think about it: If he is so all-fired righteous about his wedding vows, then why did he jump into the online dating pool? And this detail about his mother -- what's that about? It's about his disappearance.

Chemistry is awesome. But chemistry pales in comparison with the real deal: honesty, integrity, reliability and the old-fashioned ability to live a high-functioning life.

I prescribe a "man diet" while you sort out what you might have done differently -- and what you will do differently next time.

DEAR AMY: I manage a tight-knit office with seven employees. We have an opening, so I told "Laura" about it. She and I used to work together. She had a great work ethic, was professional, punctual and productive. She hates her current job, so I suggested she apply here.

During her interview, she did fairly well, so I called my staff in next to meet with her alone (I let my staff meet with potential candidates). Afterward, they reported to me that she was defensive and made remarks such as, "I don't come to work to make friends, I come to work to work," and, "It is not my job to handle conflict with another employee -- it's management's job." They said her body language was defensive.

Because she "bombed" the meeting, I did not hire her. Should I give her feedback concerning her interview?

Manager

DEAR MANAGER: I think it is somewhat unusual to be interviewed by potential co-workers, and "Laura" might have been responding with hostility to the awkwardness of the situation and unable to rise to the occasion to charm them.

You don't need to volunteer feedback unless she solicits it.

Send questions to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.