I was going to start my Christmas shopping early for a change, but then I remembered the whole "Mayan calendar end of the world" thing and thought twice.
Why spend good money on others when, according to the Mayan calendar, the world will end this month?
Actually, that's a myth. I wasn't really going to start my Christmas shopping anytime soon.
So far, no one seems to be panicking about what will happen Dec. 21, when the Mayan calendar ends. Some people believe the world will end when the calendar does. But Dec. 21 is a Friday, and I can't believe anyone would let the world end just as the weekend is starting.
I interviewed a Mayan elder a while back for a story I did on the film "2012," which is a very entertaining movie if you like watching Los Angeles fall into the ocean.
The elder confirmed what I already believed: I don't understand the Mayan language.
We're not too bright
Once he switched to English, he told me, basically, that people are stupid. The world won't end Dec. 21. It sounded like the Mayans, who made their calendars hundreds and hundreds of years ago, simply realized that they weren't going to be alive that long and took a long lunch.
But dozens of people have written books about the supposed Mayan-predicted end of the world, and, as you know, if someone writes a book saying something will happen, it always does. So I'm kind of torn on this end-of-the-world deal.
If you know you only have three weeks until your life becomes an exploding action movie starring John Cusack, what then? Do you dig a bunker, fill it with canned goods and hope you can live a long and fulfilling life of eating pork and beans? Do you stop going to work and live your lifelong dream of watching seasons 1-3 of "Barney Miller" consecutively on DVD? Do you go to Disneyland and ride the tea cups until you die of exhaustion?
By the way, I've actually seen someone try to do that last one. It was weird.
Some people believe that Dec. 21 will usher in a new age of harmony. You know, kind of like Democrats in 2008.
I don't know if I have that kind of faith, Then again, I'm still somehow a Raiders fan.
Big bang theory
Some people base their belief that we all cash out Dec. 21 on science. They say there's an invisible rogue planet (no, really) that's been hiding on the other side of the sun that is revving up like Burt Reynolds preparing to jump a canyon in a Trans-Am. On Dec. 21, this planet will stomp on the gas and barrel into us, killing everyone.
Man, I hope not. I'm supposed to go to a party Dec. 22.
All I know is that something will arrive Dec. 21, and I'm guessing it won't be a new age of peace and love.
I predict that there will be mass chaos. Half-crazy people will be considering violence. Cars may crash. There will be yelling, maybe even screaming. Children will wail. Thousands, maybe even millions, of people will be terribly unhappy. The human spirit will be tested in ways some won't believe, all because of a calendar.
That's right -- on Dec. 21, the calendar says there's only four days until Christmas. For those of us who don't bother to do their holiday shopping early, the malls await.
May God have mercy on all of us.