It is one thing to enter the season of Lent by having ashes smudged on your forehead while someone intones, "From dust you come and to dust you will go." It is another to walk with a family member through the valley of the shadow of death, either in the wake of sudden violence, or in the day-by-day trudge of diminishing capacities and an ever increasing need for caregiving.

Granted we are all dying; we just don't know exactly when. Those who become companions on the road by caring for sick or elderly loved ones, don't know if their task will take days, months or years. The wilderness journey traverses a maze of adminis-trivia, crosses a fine line between caring service and co-dependency, and is continually buffeted by the winds of relational dynamics created through decades -- or even generations -- of family patterns.

For Example

When Wanda Proost's husband, Joe, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, they were both in their 50s. Wanda took on the daunting task of caring for Joe over the next four years, while at the same time she tried to bring in enough money to keep house and home together. There was paperwork inches thick to wade through in order to get help and handle medical issues. "I'm reasonably smart, and I found it hard," she said. "I don't know how an elderly spouse could begin to navigate the phone menus and sea of papers."

A couple of friends confided in me

they had their elderly father living next door, so they could help him with various life tasks. However, they were getting punch drunk from the daily -- even hourly -- vacillation between demands for immediate help, and insistences that he could "do it himself" in tones reminiscent of a 2-year-old's "me do it."

It is a hard row to hoe. When I've asked various faith communities about support and services for the family members who provide care for sick or elderly loved ones, I get either blank stares or referrals to agencies who have caretakers for hire.

The caregivers charged more than Wanda made, and as her husband's disease progressed he didn't want anyone except her around. Two years into the journey, Wanda quit her job as office manager and began housecleaning for people who would let her bring her husband along as she worked. In the end, she lost the house they had bought together. Yet Wanda insists that the cloud did have many silver linings. She is currently working on a book to help other caregivers find the laughter, joy, love and life lessons that she discovered along the way.

Meet up

Informational meetings are helpful. Last year an end-of-life issues event was held at St. Joseph's Catholic Community in Capitola. More recently, a panel on how to hire caregivers was presented at Inner Light Ministries in Soquel. However, family caregivers are often unable to attend a specific event, and individual needs change as the journey unfolds. We enter into the world at the mercy of a caregiver, and often exit in the same way. There are many support groups for people suffering from grief or trauma, for divorced people, for young parents, for folk struggling with specific diseases. Is anyone offering support for familial caregivers?

Community Conversation

It is ironic that at roughly the same time that county Supervisor Greg Caput planted redwood seedlings at Watsonville's All Saints and Cristo Rey Episcopal Church in honor of the two slain police officers and youth lost to violence, parishioner Felipe Reyes was chased and stabbed to death in a nearby alley. A young man just shy of his 21st birthday, Reyes was active in both the English- and the Spanish-speaking congregations, singing in the choir and helping out in a variety of ways.

On Saturday, March 23, bishops from Roman Catholic and Episcopal denominations, along with school district, law enforcement and youth leaders will hold a Community Conversation on Peace, Power and Youth. The panel discussion will be followed by an opportunity to address issues and discover opportunities to work toward building peaceful, thriving communities. The event will take place 10 to noon at All Saints Episcopal Church, 437 Rogers Ave., Watsonville. For more information contact Deacon Rob Sommer at 831-917-9178.

On the Ball

The week of March 22-29, 25 youth from Shafter are coming to Shorelife Community Church in Capitola to host a basketball camp for local middle school students and help out with other volunteer projects on the church grounds. They will do a prayer walk through the church neighborhood and other neighborhoods in the county, will help set up a Prayer Labyrinth for Good Friday, and will assist with the church's regular feeding of the homeless ministry. For more information, contact the church office at 831-462-7490.

ENDQUOTE: "Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones. And when you have finished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." -- Victor Hugo

The In the Spirit column runs monthly. Contact Alliee DeArmond through The Word Shop in Aptos at adbooks@aol.com.