(Jeff Durham/Bay Area News Group)

Cal fans, beware: Grilled bear isn't on our menu, but we're offering up extra servings of our other specialty: hubris.

You can't beat our "Big Game Burger," featuring fresh bison, or the smaller juicy "The Axe" beef burger, with calorie counts higher than your combined SAT scores.

They're served well done. Because we don't do things any other way.

Yes, it's true that "The Farm" doesn't grow much these days except engineers. The only corn left on campus just had its DNA sequenced.

But we honor Jane and Leland's memories at Stanford Stadium's "Farmhouse" Gourmet Food Court, where $6 will buy you an iced cappuccino, made from imported Kona beans.

And while the cows and chickens are long gone, our menu offers antibiotic-free Niman Ranch ribs and free-range Rocky Junior chicken. (Thank you, Petaluma.)

Admit it, Cal: Hummus at a football game is like Chateaubriand at an Occupy protest on Sproul Plaza. Save the organic bliss and hemp milk for anthro majors, not athletes.

The potatoes in our Waffle Fries look like they were grown with high octane Miracle-Gro. Don't worry about their luminescent orange glow, or a texture that resembles Highway 80 roadkill -- the world-renowned Stanford Hospital ER is just around the corner.

You think you're so multicultural? We've got Feta Cheese Pretzels and Tio Pepe's Churros. Even All-American Buffalo Chicken Wings come with a "bleu" cheese dressing, a culinary idea probably inspired by that annoying guy in the French department.

We even do color diversity. Our cotton candy comes in three hues: Pink! Yellow! Blue!

We've heard your hot dogs are more boring than a freshman seminar in gender studies. Try ours: Jumbo Sausage on Warm Pretzel Bread or German Bratwurst with apricot chutney.

We won't lie here. Sadly, no real beer was involved in the making of our fragrant $6 Gordon Biersch Garlic Fries. And if the game doesn't give you a heart attack, these might. But for a small donation toward our $18.7 billion endowment, we might throw in a pair of defibrillator paddles.

And so you don't forget us, for $12 we'll sell you Souvenir Popcorn in a Stanford-logo plastic bucket that's big enough to hold Google stock options.

Yeah, yeah, you gave the world the free speech movement. Good on ya, Cal. But -- sorry -- it does not count as a foodstuff.

Here's our cultural contribution: the "Fountain Hopper." For $9 and a chance to stand in line next to the next Sergey Brin, you'll get a taste of fresh Alaskan salmon.

Game on!

Follow Lisa Krieger at Twitter.com/lisamkrieger.