It's a little more than a month until Halloween, and I have a 4-year-old following me around all day, assigning new characters for everyone in the family, including the dog, depending on what movie or TV show she's just watched.
My kid really has a grasp on this Halloween business, so much so that she's seeing it as a big event for the whole family. Being that she's only slightly less assertive than Martha Stewart on meth, she's attempting to move forward with bold plans without actually asking any of the rest of us if we're on board. She obviously will make someone an excellent wife someday.
The latest Halloween strategy involves her newest film fascination, Pixar's "The Incredibles." The plan, as drawn up in a detailed, PowerPoint presentation, is for me to dress up as Mr. Incredible. My daughter -- whom I'll call "Lucy" because that's her name -- will be Violet, Mr. Incredible's force-field producing, occasionally invisible teen daughter (if only that were the case when I'm trying to watch football and she's standing in front of the television, yapping a mile a minute).
I'm the star
According to the tyke's plan, my wife would be Mr. Incredible's wife, Elastigirl, which would be fine with me. Elastigirl was a top-5 finisher in an office poll here a few years ago on the hottest cartoon women (I made a list). I almost fainted when I met her at Disneyland later that year, no doubt freaking the beejeezus out of the 19-year-old college kid inside the suit. I hope it wasn't a guy.
Tellingly, neither of Lucy's 10-year-old sisters has been cast in this Halloween costume special. The role of Jack-Jack, the Incredibles' infant son, would be played by her toddler cousin, Calvin (aka Cal-Cal), while Dash, Mr. Incredible's superfast elementary-school-age son, would be played by the dog.
I haven't told the dog yet, but I'm sure he'll be thrilled.
She's probably saving the villain's role for one of her sisters. The other sister, in Lucy's plan, probably will be the giant robot that destroys everything in its path. She hasn't worked this out in her head yet, but I can clearly see it coming.
It gets worse
The whole Incredibles thing might be too much to pull off. Getting five custom-made superhero costumes done in a few weeks, including one for a dog, would be difficult at best. But it's much better than some of the Lucy's other ideas, including:
Maybe I can convince her and her sisters to dress up as "The Three Stooges" and leave me out of the entire scheme. Not likely.