Every year, the folks behind the Oscar telecast promise a show that's livelier, funnier, hipper, shorter ... and yet they never deliver. Here are five things we'd do to fix the show:

1. Inject some girl power: Hire Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as hosts. They were a hilarious hit at the Golden Globes and play so well together.

2. Jazz up those speeches: Hollywood has assistants for everything. It's time to assign a speech writer to each award nominee so we can avoid those long, boring laundry lists of names.

3. Dump some categories: Let the behind-the-scenes techie nerds have their own night to themselves. Our rule: If you've never appeared on screen, we don't want you on ours.

4. Get back to five

Hosts Tina Fey (L) and Amy Poehler perform on stage at the 70th annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills, California January 13, 2012, in this picture provided by NBC. REUTERS/Paul Drinkwater/NBC/Handout (UNITED STATES Tags: ENTERTAINMENT) (GOLDENGLOBES-SHOW) ATTENTION EDITORS THIS IMAGE WAS PROVIDED BY A THIRD PARTY. FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS. THIS PICTURE IS DISTRIBUTED EXACTLY AS RECEIVED BY REUTERS, AS A SERVICE TO CLIENTS. NO SALES. NO ARCHIVES ( HANDOUT )

5. Always have Jack Nicholson in the front row: This is a must. No exceptions. Even if the Lakers are playing across town.

Read Chuck Barney's TV blog at http://blogs.mercurynews.com/aei/category/tv and follow him at http://twitter.com/chuckbarney.