We're still waiting, Academy.

We've been waiting for decades, it seems, while you figure out how to get an awards show right. MTV, meanwhile, has showed us how to have fun with award shows. The Golden Globes have showed us that maybe, just maybe, it's not that hard to find a good host and that it's not a bad idea to let the stars loosen up (read: drink) a little.

Then there are Oscar categories. Boooring.

How about a best comedy award? How about a most ridiculous plot we still believed award? How about a best movie with more than four explosions award, or a worst Jennifer Lawrence movie that people still loved award?

You always tease us, pretending to be fun, but some of us would take Rob Lowe doing another silly medley with Snow White over what you've been giving us.

Amy Adams, from left, Bradley Cooper, Jeremy Renner, Christian Bale and Jennifer Lawrence star in Columbia Pictures’ "American Hustle."
Amy Adams, from left, Bradley Cooper, Jeremy Renner, Christian Bale and Jennifer Lawrence star in Columbia Pictures' "American Hustle." (MCT) ( HANDOUT )

Don't get the wrong idea. We still love the Oscars -- even if it's mostly because we still anticipate that one magic moment (hello, Halle Berry acceptance speech) that makes us remember why movies mean so much to us. Either that, or it's all those office betting pools.

So here are a few ways the Academy can make us little people care about the Oscars with more categories that speak to our needs. We present the 2014 Other Oscars.

  • Best film that made your parents hide old photos: "American Hustle"

    Wow, that movie was hard on the eyeballs. The polyester, the gold chains, the perms. ... Bradley Cooper's tight curls were enough to make one's hair either scream in empathy or sigh in relief that the 1970s are gone forever. It wasn't clear what was more distracting -- Jennifer Lawrence constantly on the verge of falling out of her dress, or frequently mistaking Amy Adams for Bernadette Peters. It's likely the entire cast had to go to fashion rehab when shooting was done.

  • Most out-of-place performance: Brad Pitt as Bass in "12 Years a Slave"

    A reason why Steve McQueen's powerful depiction of American slavery is so harrowing is that every detail seems so real. Except for one: the appearance of Pitt near the film's end. Looking like he stepped out of a romance novel, Pitt performed in a small but vital role that wound up seeming out of touch with the rest of the film -- a part that would have been better served by someone less well-known. We applaud Pitt for being involved in this incredible project, but the movie he executive produced would have been better without him in it. As is, Pitt's a distraction.

  • Most implausible home for a protagonist: "Blue Jasmine"

    What the judges said: How does heroine Jasmine end up in a spacious Mission District refuge? The flat is inhabited by her sister, Ginger, a grocery store clerk in San Francisco who probably earns minimum wage, in a time when San Francisco is a tech millionaires' playground, and one-bedroom places go for $3,000 a month. Maybe Ginger has super-special rent control, and her landlord hasn't started to evict her yet to convert the flat to a condo. Or maybe Ginger has a secret pot of money, especially given the top-shelf liquor she keeps for Jasmine to guzzle.

    Runner-up: "Her"

    Writing love letters for a living must pay really, really well. Just check out the stylish high-rise apartment of Joaquin Phoenix's Theodore Twombly. OK, maybe in Spike Jonze's semi-utopian vision of the future, writers will be well-compensated enough to be able to afford such luxe digs.

  • Best performance by an animated snowman: Olaf, "Frozen"

    Sorry, Frosty. You might have been a jolly, happy soul, but you never did a big musical number in which you pined for hot tubs and the beach. The hilariously sweet, ignorant Olaf was one of the most entertaining characters Disney has developed in years.

  • Best strip scene: Jena Malone as Johanna Mason in "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire"

    The only real flesh you see is Malone's back as she peels off her dress while facing three co-stars in a moving elevator. But skin isn't what makes this striptease priceless. It's the expressions on the faces of her co-stars. Josh Hutcherson's Peeta lets his appreciative eyes roam downward. Woody Harrelson's Haymitch looks amused. Jennifer Lawrence's Katniss appears disgusted. Malone is equal parts defiant and playful as she exits the elevator with a wink for Haymitch.

  • Film giving best reason to avoid outer space: "Gravity"

    NASA barely has the funds to stay afloat, let alone reverse the negative PR for the future of space travel. Don't get us wrong -- we loved Alfonso Cuaron's epic thriller about a veteran astronaut (George Clooney) and medical engineer (Sandra Bullock) who find themselves clinging to nothing but each other and shuttle debris after their space mission goes horribly wrong. But if you had even the tiniest inkling to go on one of those interplanetary space trips to Mars, it's safe to bet you'll be sticking to staycations for another few eons.

  • Best reason to travel by plane: Tie for "Captain Phillips" and "All Is Lost"

    From Somali pirates to a leaking boat, hitting the high seas -- either as part of your day job or as a beloved hobby -- appeared to be as dangerous as pole vaulting across the Grand Canyon. After watching both of these acclaimed films, we much prefer buckling up for a flight, even should some snakes and an angry Samuel L. Jackson happen to be on the passenger list.

  • Best use of cat to evoke pathos: "Inside Llewyn Davis"

    We haven't had a real contender for this since 1961's "Breakfast at Tiffany's." The movie's titular impoverished, self-absorbed folk singer gets an accidental companion that he keeps losing: an orange tabby (actually played by three cats). According to New York Magazine, the Coen brothers were concerned their story didn't have much of a plot, so they threw in Llewyn Davis' misadventures with a cat. And if you remember "Breakfast at Tiffany's," Cat's abandonment by Audrey Hepburn's Holly Golightly ends up reuniting her with George Peppard at the end.

    Randy Myers, Martha Ross, Ann Tatko-Peterson and Jessica Yadegaran contributed to this report.