DEAR MISS MANNERS: It has happened again. Once more, my wife and I attended a catered party in a reception facility, where the company was interesting and the hosts gracious and welcoming -- and the "background" music was so loud that all the guests had to shout to be heard.

In this case, it was one guitarist/singer, but his amplification and the acoustics of the hall made it impossible to carry on any sort of normal conversation. I am not alone in this complaint, as several others at this otherwise pleasant affair also mentioned the unpleasantly excessive level of the music.

I should stress that I am not an old fogey, and I do like music of a considerable volume to dance to, but when there is no dancing, why can't guests appreciate one another's company without bellowing?

It is our experience that many, if not most, hosts seem oblivious to the fact that the musician they hired is making it difficult for people to enjoy themselves. This seems to be especially the case at wedding receptions, when the music is at "dancing level" during dinner.

Is there any polite way to ask a host or hostess to have the volume lowered? I have long ago given up asking musicians to tone it down; they simply ignore the request as an outrageous intrusion on their craft.


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GENTLE READER: "Background music" is something Miss Manners has never understood. If it is good enough to listen to, it should not have to compete with conversation. If it is not good enough to listen to, it should not be played.

As for amplification, the problem is only going to get worse as the level deafens people who will then require even higher volumes.

But no, you cannot tell your hosts that you are not enjoying their party. You and someone with whom you want to talk can ask the hosts if there is someplace quieter where you can do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you deal with a daughter-in-law who tries to take over in your kitchen? The holidays are here, and I'm dreading her getting in my way.

GENTLE READER: The most important thing is to refrain from mentioning the problem to relatives who scrupulously avoid getting in your way by settling themselves into comfortable chairs while you clean up.

For that matter, it would be better not to mention it to the offending daughter-in-law, either. Rather, you should beg her assistance in such out-of-the-kitchen tasks as setting the table, collecting the Christmas wrappings for the trash, and the most important task of all, which Miss Manners' own dear father described as "Go see what the children are doing and tell them to stop."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it considered bad manners to scrape one's teeth on the fork when eating?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and it provokes other bad manners -- a chorus of "Eeeewww, stop!"

Miss Manners is the pseudonym of Judith Martin. Miss Manners runs Mondays and Wednesdays. Contact her at dearmissmanners@gmail.com.