WE'RE GOING TO try something different today. First, close your eyes.

Next, empty your head of all thought. That's right, wise guy, just like me.

Now, imagine that we're in the shower together. It's OK. The nausea will soon pass.

Remember, this is just an exercise. I wouldn't really want you in my shower, anyway. It's too small. Besides, the fire marshal has rules.

We're only trying to make a point. It's this: I'm doing my part for the environment. No one appreciates it.

Last week Contra Costa County gave out sustainability awards. I didn't get one.

At first, it didn't matter. I thought sustainability awards meant being congratulated for staying alive. But that would have been the Bee Gee Awards.

Instead, it turns out that sustainability means something else: recycling and conserving. We're trying to preserve the earth's atmosphere.

If we succeed, the planet won't melt. We won't look like peanut M&Ms on a hot griddle.

I'm all for that. In fact, I'm working in support of that.

Which brings us back to the shower. Every morning at 6:45, I jump in.

But I don't just wash. I employ advanced sustainability techniques that include:

  • Turning off the bathroom lights;

  • Turning off the water;

  • Drip-drying outdoors.

    Some ask, "Why do you do this?" Mostly, the

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    police ask this while responding to complaints about the naked guy in the back yard.

    The answer's simple: I like being naked. Ha, ha. Just kidding.

    Actually I'm saving the world. Here's how:

  • No lights — no power shortage;

  • No water — no drought;

  • No towel — no need to steal one from the Hilton.

    This deserves an award, or, at the least, a pardon from the judge. I asked my friend Steve Richard if he agreed.

    Here's what he said: "Anyone who's doing more than they were last year deserves a pat on the back. The key is to turn the corner and start having each of our carbon footprints go down 3 percent a year, instead of up 3 percent a year."

    A pat on the back isn't the same as a trophy or prize money. But I'll take it.

    Two years ago, Steve started Sustainable Lafayette. This is a group with 600 members. They share stories about how to live sustainably.

    They have a Web site. They even have "green movie nights" at the Rheem Theater in Moraga.

    If they say I'm saving the world, it must be true. But I want to do more.

    So I'm suggesting my own ideas for green movie night: "Soylent Green," "How Green Was My Valley," and "Walgreen's." That last one is actually a drugstore. I ran out of movies.

    I'm also thinking about buying a Prius. The problem is, people make fun of them.

    I told this to Steve. He said, "An energy-efficient car is not any different from an energy-efficient refrigerator. Why doesn't anyone make fun of the latest energy-efficient refrigerators?"

    I didn't have an answer. So I asked my friend Kelvin from Moraga. He's good at making fun of things.

    "A Prius?" asked Kelvin. "Isn't that the one that comes direct from the factory with an Obama bumper sticker?"

    Kevin is what they call a skeptic. He doesn't believe the earth will fizzle like Jay Leno at 10.

    That's OK. Kelvin's a good man and I'm glad to shoulder his share of the sustainability burden. I just need to know how.

    So I went to the Internet for ideas. I read about a Lafayette guy who has 1) a solar oven; 2) a gray water system; and, my favorite, 3) a goat.

    The goat is for composting and waste removal. Also, if you leave the mail out, he eats the PG&E bill. There's no surer way to reduce energy costs.

    Some things I refuse to do for the environment. Compost is a good example. I will not have table scraps festering in my house. So I eat more.

    But other conservation practices are OK. Take air conditioning. We never use it. That's because we don't have it.

    My wife tried to buy it once. The conversation was brief:

    Air conditioning man: "It will cost $10,000."

    Me: "I'd rather save the money and reduce our carbon footprint."

    Wife: "How'd you like me to tell you where I'm going to put my carbon footprint?"

    All around us there are examples of sustainability. Orinda has an energy-efficient City Hall. Happy Valley School in Lafayette has a student recycling team. Moraga has an old saloon that's been converted into one of the nation's greenest office buildings.

    Kelvin would probably say we're better off with the saloon.

    The point is, if we keep pulling together, we can save the planet. The alternative may be Doomsday.

    So what do we do? Simple, buy a goat and hit the showers.

    Reach Mike Zampa at michaelzampa@yahoo.com