More pedal power to anyone who hops on their favorite two-wheeler and takes off down the highways and byways of life. I have no idea how anyone actually completes the Tour de France, let alone the Tour de Grocery Store.
Seems to me that recreational cycling is a much better way to get around town and do your part to squelch the petro-burning damage done every time the key turns on your gas-guzzler.
Cardiovascular conditioning is a positive from those uphill climbs, and putting more muscle on the legs makes for quicker getaways and an occasional wolf whistle.
OK, now that I have paid my positive dues to those who mechanically push pedal to the metal, it's time to hit the hand brakes and ask all you peddlers: "What is the story with your garish garb?"
Do you actually think an urgent phone call is coming in from the organizers of the Tour de France pleading with you to jet over and fill in for Alberto Contador?
Why do you insist on pouring yourselves into those neon-colored, form-or-not-fitting, logo-encrusted, aerodynamically spandexed cycling togs? I'm just guessing that you aren't being paid to ride for Team Astana, Katusha or Tinkoff-Saxo. I also fail to understand some of the other stuff you are up to.
AERODYNAMIC HELMETS: Those super-swept-back helmets make you look like the original "Alien." I get the safety angle, but how many of you need these customized cranium cruisers if your top speed is 22 mph?
CLICK-CLACK SHOES: I spend a fair amount of time in coffee shops and when the biker gangs hit the hard floors, they seem to be channeling Savion Glover and break into a tap routine. If I wanted to hear your damn click-clack shoes while catching up on the day's news, I'd buy a ticket to "Stomp" or "River Dance."
GLOVES: I'm totally confused by the glove thing. Full-fingered, half-fingered, three-fingered, no-fingered. I'm thinking the real use is holding onto a hot pastry or your Vente latte on your daily refueling stop at the coffee shop.
MOST OF YOU LOOK SILLY: Just think if everyone dressed like you when they were participating in their favorite sport. Would schoolyard hoopers turn up in full NBA uniforms? Would your kid's T-ball coach show up looking like Tommy Lasorda or Lou Piniella with a form-fitting Major League Baseball uniform with overflowing gut?
Do you dress like Venus, Maria, Roger or Rafa when smashing balls around at the local tennis courts?
THE YELLOW JERSEY: Did you just complete the entire 3,642 kilometers of the Tour? Congrats and I apologize for being a bit snarky. For everyone else, Why don't you all just wear a yellow jersey and black shorts.
Look at me, Ma, "I'm king/queen of the cycling world!"
Have a pleasant peloton.
Andy Dolich is managing director/head of U.S Sport Practice for Odgers Berndtson, director of career development at University of San Francisco's Collegiate Athletics MBA program and an executive with the Oakland A's from 1981-1994.