It's summertime. I can tell because there's nothing good on TV. All my favorite shows are "on hiatus," leaving me to surf through 500 channels in search of something decent to watch.
I miss "The Walking Dead." I'm dying to find out how many more zombies it's going to take to end the human population. And "Bates Motel." I want to check in and never check out. Talk about good television!
But now that summer is here, all we're offered is "reality" TV. If I wanted reality, I'd turn off the TV. When did all of this fake "reality" start? I suppose we could blame "Candid Camera." Remember that old show with Allen Funt, where unsuspecting people make fools of themselves in awkward situations in front of millions of viewers? Today you can see all the candid camera videos you want on YouTube -- even videos of yourself. Just do something stupid and the guy next to you will capture it on his cellphone, download it to the Internet and, before you can change your name and move to the Yukon, you're famous and everyone in the world has laughed at you.
At least on today's reality TV shows, people know they're being filmed. And apparently they don't mind appearing idiotic in front of a camera. There's something for everyone's reality taste. If you're into food, you can watch a bunch of bumbling chefs get yelled at on "Hell's Kitchen." Then you'll feel like a gourmet chef when you can't even boil a pickle.
I once tuned into "Sister Wives" by accident, thinking it was about a support group for married women. But no. Some guy has managed to trick half a dozen females into marrying him and doing his laundry. On the other hand, if there was a show called "Brother Husbands," I might participate. I'd love a bunch of hot male models doing my laundry.
My husband prefers manly shows, like "Ice Road Truckers," "Road Rage Warriors," and "Fast and Furious Smart Cars." He eats up episodes of "The Deadliest Catch," "The Scariest Shark" and "The Really Mad Cat." He'd even try out for shows like the "Glee Project" and "So You Think You Can Dance" if he could sing and dance. But his favorite is "Pawn Stars." He's dying to see how much he could get for his pre-1980 recliner.
I was once asked to appear on "Hoarders: Buried Alive" show. I made the mistake of writing a column about my messy house, and the TV people called me up and left a message. I would have called them back, but I couldn't find my phone under all the junk at the time.
I suppose I'd consider doing "Who Wants to Marry a Bazillionaire," (I don't qualify for "The Bachelorette" ... yet), but I might be better cast in "Super Grandma: 911," "The Disney Shopping Network" or "The Writer Whisperer." I'd also qualify for "Cat Dynasty" (we have three) or "Honey I Have a Boo-Boo" (where all my medical issues could be quickly diagnosed and treated.)
Never mind. I'll just film my own family reality show, put it on YouTube, then wait for the fame and fortune to pour in. It worked for the Kardashians. Why not the Warners? We're much more real.
Reach Penny Warner at www. pennywarner.com.