The economy may be in the dumps, but romance novel sales are surging — nay, heaving and straining the tight-laced bounds of publishing. Harlequin's book sales took a 32 percent bounce after last fall's Wall Street crash sent an increasing number of anxious readers into the arms of Fabio, Angelina and other dashing heroes and heroines. And the frothy, much loved genre shows no sign of abating.

Small wonder. Breathless beauties and manly men are a marvelous antidote to worldly woes. But why spend $8 on a book when you can write a bodice-ripper of your own?

The moon was hanging high in the inky, velveteen sky. The heady aroma of jasmine perfumed the air. It was almost midnight when Ramon galloped up to the castle. A single (choose one from column A) glowed from the tower window of Francesca's bedroom.

Jumping from his horse, Ramon strode into the castle, taking the stairs three at a time. His long raven-black hair flowed behind him like shadow on the wind. He reached the (choose one from column A) that separated him from his love. Using a massive shoulder, he splintered the barrier and burst in.

Francesca stood on the balcony, bathed in moonlight. Ramon stared at her (choose one from column A), feeling her passion wash over him. He reached her in three long strides, gathered her to him and whispered, "(choose one from column B)."

Francesca pushed him away. "(Choose one from column B)." Her eyes swam with tears. She loved him,

but they could never be together. She put her hands on his (choose one from column A). As long as Count Richard remained in control of her (choose one from column A), she would never be free. Never. She stared into his eyes, trembling. "My love, you must flee. Hide yourself in the home of (choose one from column C)."

Ramon was unmoved. He knew their hearts beat as one, and he would go to the ends of the world in order to win her (choose one from column A). He bent down to gently kiss her rosy lips. Then he swore gently and said, "(choose one from column B)."

Suddenly, a light flickered on behind them, and a menacing laugh echoed through the room. It was (choose one from column C), the Count's henchman. Ramon drew his sword, pushing Francesca behind him. He was prepared to battle (choose one from column C) through acres of (choose one from column A) until he could at last stand on the parapet, Francesca by his side, and exclaim "(choose one from column B)."

Column A

heaving breasts

Twitter page

stock portfolio

Ponzi scheme

old Michael Jackson records

Stephen King novels

bank account

iPhone

Snuggie

heavily mortgaged estate

Wii

cream cheese

Column B

"I love you beyond measure"

"I got your latest Tweet."

"You lie!"

"Beyonce's video was way better than yours."

"Does it seem to you that the 'Desperate Housewives' are not as desperate as they used to be?"

"Do you think President Obama will ever get a medical reform bill through Congress?"

"What took you so long?"

"The pizza is almost ready, if you know what I mean."

"Does this make me look fat?"

"At times I actually find myself sort of missing Billy Mays."

"I am the master of television and TiVo is my magic sword."

"Shampoo, rinse, repeat."

Column C

Severus Snape

Edward Cullen

Donald Trump

Nancy Pelosi

Joe Wilson

Martha Stewart

Bernie Madoff

that old guy from the Six Flags commercials

Jay Leno

a cookie-selling Girl Scout

Brett Favre

Kim Kardashian